2006-07-16
It isn't a film.
It's been strange the past few weeks. There is so many good things going on but then there is other things that are just...well, strange.
A man I used to date just died the other night. I told my mom about it. She said, "I'm sorry to hear that". I don't want anyone to tell me they are sorry. I don't deserve the sympathy, his family does. I am writing that, because we only dated briefly. It wasn't that long. I stopped dating him because he was very clingy. He was obsessive for so long that all I wished was that he would leave me alone. I was afraid. A year and a half later, he finally did leave me alone.
I seen him recently. He said hello to me. I said hello back, not knowing who he was. It took me a minute to recognize him because in looks, he changed so much.
When I first met him, he was nice. The problem for me was, he was painfully shy and at the same time, got in touch with me too often. I am shy myself but compared to him, I feel like I blabbed non-stop. And maybe I did, because I do that when I'm nervous.
When I heard how he died, --and he died very tragically-- I thought of the first night I met him at a party. A blur of faces, him telling me he was into film, and movies.
That's all I'm thinking of now, tonight actually. The first night we were walking on the train tracks - - where he died, and it's so twisted to me how this does sound like something out of a movie. He threw his beer bottle at the tracks after he finished t, and I said, "Maybe we should cross the road". We did. We had coffee at 6am. He asked me if I'd like to go back to his place. I said no, and that I would prefer to go back to my brother's house. He walked me back there, made sure I got in the door safely and left.
People wondered why I went out with him --He never had a girlfriend-- and were surprised when I did. My brother's made fun of me for it, and I told people it was because although he wasn't someone I'd usually go out with, I wanted to give him a chance because he seemed like a nice guy, I just didn't get any signs over how overbearing it would get.
I don't know. I feel like I shouldn't be mourning him because I pushed him right away. Today feels surreal, and I am sort of hoping maybe it's some sort of mistake? Or a rumor? Maybe it was someone else. I'm saying that over and over to myself, maybe it was someone else. I'm pushing my cart in the grocery store, wandering down aisles, and thinking and having very, very high hopes that it wasn't him because now that I am sitting here writing this I have this unbelievable feeling in my heart to tell him that I am sorry.
illfortune at 8:02 p.m.
Listening to: the radio
Feeling: Strange
Wanting: A cup of coffee, the air to cool.