2006-05-21
What Happened When I Woke Up
Hello.
Well, I'm not doing a hell of a job keeping up this journal but I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, nor off the wagon come to think of it so that makes me half smile a little bit.
I'm not sure how long this is going to last. The last two weeks were somewhat of a breeze, on that "high", I guess of waking up sober, of having a few extra dollars, of being a little proud.
This weekend though.
This is rough.
I can't even smoke a goddamn cigarette with my coffee tonight. I myself remember the keys on this laptop clicking until 3am, with a cigarette beside me, lit in a green ashtray and a cup of coffee within reach. At least I have music to listen to.
About a week ago, I was walking with a friend out of the grocery store, and someone outside was smoking. I could smell it. I could really, really smell it and it smelled wonderful. I took a deep sigh and confessed to my friend, I so wanted a cigarette. I so missed the smell and I confessed I would love to reek of cigarettes; my clothes, my hair. A strawberry blonde haired girl that was walking behind us out of the grocery store must have overheard me, because as she walked away into the parking lot, she stopped, and she said to me, "I know what you mean. I gave up drugs and alcohol, and I miss all that too."
I guess it helps to have support or someone to say casually they know how it feels.
Besides fighting the urge to go out and party, things are going pretty decent. My job still rocks, and I'm actually planning to go to driving school, which is something I should have done four years ago. I am trying to stay motivated and have to remember why I am doing this.
Anyway. Just so you know, this isn't my whole life but it sure as hell takes up a bit fucking chunk of my mind lately. Will be back soon.
illfortune at 9:02 a.m.
Listening to: Ben Lee - Catch My Disease
Feeling: Refreshed
Wanting: Another cup of coffee