2006-06-16
Do something tonight. Anything.
I am going to fucking snap.
So, here's what's up and let's be straightforward. (Oh God, I just reread that last sentence, and I'm giggling because does that sound like bad rap lyrics? Cheesy rap lyrics? Because it wasn't intended to be.)
I'm staying with my parents. I'm trying to make a fresh start. I quit smoking. I don't go out partying anymore. I started eating better. I even quit using sugar in my coffee. I opened up a savings account. I'm determined to go back to school September 2007. I'm actually going to driving school at the end of the month.
Lately, I have bought new (mostly new-old though; I heart garage sales) things for my apartment that I need for August 1. Everything from bright purple coffee mugs to ruby red bath towels. Much to everyone's amusement, I even started buying groceries; canned soups, dried cereals, jars of jam and peanut butter, and spices. I have one box full of stuff that won't expire for awhile, of course. Someone also suggested I go vegetarian because it's cheaper and I will save a lot of money by doing that, which I'm not sure is true or not but it's worth a try.
I am feeling a little discouraged lately. You know why? I don't make much money a month and a few people don't think I can do it. I wrote up a spreadsheet today, did a monthly budget and I think it is feasible. I like my job. There is nothing wrong there.
I just don't like that I am being told I can't do something. I can do this right?
Sips of coffee tonight, and no cigarettes. No motivation whatsoever to do anything. You could call me that loser, and I wouldn't even flinch because my phone hasn't rang in awhile with plans, and it is incredibly lonely. Ever since I cut back on the partying, I never have plans. Ever since I said, you know what? I am not well the way I should be for my age, and I cannot do this anymore? No one calls. No one knows what to say. I don't need you or anyone to say anything, I just need you to be there. Sometimes I wonder if I should just go back to everything I gave up because I don't seem any happier. I'm still a geek, I still paint and take photographs without having any talent.
I'm frustrated. Having no energy anymore is frustrating, and having no friends to help me is even worse.
I think living on salad and orange juice, and fish is getting to me, just a little.
Oh and does either of you two know of a used laptop I can buy? Because this one I am using to type this entry really isn't any good and it's being transported via floppy disk to another computer, where I can post it. It's terrible, actually. It has Windows 95, and the dial up won't work on it anymore and my computer guy told me I am better off getting a new one. And, I need a new-ish one but I can't afford anything pricey either. This thing freezes every five minutes as I write this.
Blast.
I will be back soon to write, I promise.
Later.
illfortune at 7:45 p.m.
Listening to: Janis Joplin
Feeling: Like I am getting a headache
Wanting: Money. And a good night's sleep.